Lost in Uncertainties

I was born to wander.

I am that kid in the Jollibee ad who got lost in Divisoria and brought too much worries to his parents. I was not that smart (and considerate) to think of staying in a recognizable place until they found me. I went on my own instead. After four hours, I saw my parents talking to many people, with my mom in deep tears. I was clueless when my parents hugged me that hard like I’ve  been lost for million years.

In our neighborhood, I became instant member of every household. I ate in other’s plate during dinner, took a bath with other’s soap, and sometimes wore my friend’s undies.  I lead a team in conquering the nearest bayabasan to our school, in finding the secret hideout of upperclassmen, and in building our own camp where nobody can possibly find us. My sandals then can only reach the nearest river and mountains, yet my heart wandered as far as the farthest desert, valleys, and oceans.

I gained bruises, insects’ bite, and my mom’s punishment along the way but I’m unstoppable. I opt to roam more.

In high school, I learned the art of writing a slum book. I  knew very well that “love is like a rosary” and “crush is paghanga”, but I felt uneasy to my best friend’s entry: “home is where the heart is.”  We often times argued, she being a homebody.  I often insisted my urge to go for places, to reach the unreachable (stars), and to make lakwatsa after our classes.

Perhaps  intrigued by my unusual spirit,  she once asked me: “Do you have a happy family?” I got used to this so like a question in job interviews, I have a ready-made answer. “Yes, I did. They are my life, but I need to wander to fulfill my spirit, my innermost desire.”

Imagine my excitement when my parents decided to enroll me in one of Manila-based university to pursue college. Three hundred kilometers away from home is just a nine-hour trip via passenger bus yet I felt complete isolation. I sensed freedom.

College days were my training ground. Manila in itself is the desert and oceans I dreamed to wander: the setting is vulgar yet mysterious, clear yet dangerous. I lived my day spiced with bright lights, high-rise buildings, heavy traffic, street beggars, kotong cops, pick up girls, underemployed yuppies, public smoking, and rallies everywhere. My  senses were filled with real stories and experiences of people. I gained more than bruises and insect’s bites, enemies and friends, punishments and rewards.

I learned life from different perspectives and felt the urgency to offer a helping hand. Ironically, modern-day solutions involve money or anything with value. I surrendered to connect with people, I being broke and helpless.

I then remembered a story my mom told about my first steps. I was very eager then to reach chairs after chairs, that I could already walk when I turned eight-month old. My favorite place was the stairs and the exit door, the reason why my dad hired a yaya. I cried when yaya hold and tried to carry me.  I was in full energy when left on my own. At that age, I already felt the urgency to roam and reach for people only my weak legs disallowed.

I realized that in one’s life countless steps would be taken. One of these steps may lead to a pit of failure, but it will also require few more steps to move on and reach what the heart desires.

In the meantime, I am still living my life, ready to roam and wander. My empty pocket can only reach as far as the minimum jeepney fare allowed yet my heart feels the romantic ambience of Paris, the busy breeze of New York, and the eerie silence of the desert.

I am unstoppable still.  I begin to enjoy my journey.

[One of my attempts to fictionalize my fictitious self.]

one year passed and i felt i am fortunate we’re still together. ours is a secret indecipherable from the government and top BI companies. they said that first year is the test tube for a successful bond. we’ve survived and we’re still the same. distance is always our companion yet we seldom failed to talk under the sun.

the years to come seem promising. you have your way to the corporate ladder; i have filled-up activities for the rest of the year. plus i’m on my way to a new baby, to our future which i predict will give legazpi a waterworld craze. we have all our time devoted to our plans, we have all our time to realize we’re one NOW.

one year is enough to keep us going. but it is not enough to show our intimate and real feelings. i am always here.

galit ka na naman. sabi ko kasi sa ‘yo wag mo kong problemahin. enjoy mo lang na magkasama tayo. ‘wag mo pansinin na nakalimutan ko ‘yung anniversary natin. ang dami kasi nating kelangang i-celebrate. iba pa yung araw na naging tau sa araw na pormal mo akong sinagot; den iba rin ‘yung date ng naging tayo na talaga. tapos may monthsary pa, birthday, araw na lumipat ng bahay, etc. hindi pa kasama roon ‘yung new year, xmas, valentines, edsa day, rizal day, tandang sora day, etc. ‘di ko naman talaga nakakalimutan. nagkataon lang na mas nauna mong naalala kaysa sa akin. bakit kasi kelangan mo akong tanungin eh 6months in advance pa ‘yun.

wag ka kasing magalit. ‘di ba usapan natin mag-eenjoy lang tayo sa mahaba nating bakasyon. alam mo naman na marami talaga pasahero ngayon dahil xmas. sabi ko nga sa ‘yo punuan lahat ng bus at barko at makikipagsiksikan tayo. sabi mo nga dapat habang bata pa tayo, i-enjoy naman natin ‘yung magkasama tayo. kaya sige travel lang tayo. tapos hindi lang tayo nakakuha ng magandang seat, nakakunot na agad ‘yung noo mo at ang sama ng tingin mo sa akin. paano na ‘yung plans natin na mag-hongkong, singapore, us, etc. balita ko malalayo raw ang distansya ng bus stations doon. baka mainis ka na naman ‘pag naglakad tayo ng mahaba.

relax ka lang. hirap kasi makasakay pauwi, masyadong madalang ‘yung dumaraang sasakyan. dapat kasi kahapon pa ako bumyahe. hindi ko kasi alam na pati pala driver nagpapaputok rin ‘pag new year at kaya nilang isakripisyo ang pera kapalit ng maginhawang tulog. nagyaya kasi ‘yung mga pinsan ko na mag-inuman at kantahan, hindi ko rin naman ini-expect na aabutin kami ng hanggang alas-4 ng madaling araw. na-miss kasi namin ‘yung mga music ng eheads, rivermaya at nakipag-showdown kami sa mga bata naming pinsan. doon ko na-realize na masarap palang sabayan ‘yung PBB theme. kaya tinanghali ako ng gising at na-late ako sa usapan natin. simple lang naman ‘di ba? pero ‘wag mong isipin na wala akong ginawa, alam mo ba na halos pagalitan ko na ‘yung driver kasi ang bagal magpatakbo. at halos lumipad na ‘yung isip ko sa kaiisip kung paano lumipad para lang makarating agad sa inyo on time.

sige ka tatanda ka nyan. ‘di ba usapan natin ‘wag tayong magpapaapekto. masaya naman tayo pag magkasama ‘di ba? tawa ka nga ng tawa lagi sa jokes ko, at ‘di rin naman ko nauubusan ng kwento. madalas ka nga nakayakap sa akin ‘pag nasa byahe tayo. kahit hindi aircon basta magkasama tayo at busog ka sa kwento ko, okay lang sa akin. okay rin ba ‘yun sau?inaamin ko minsan nakakatulog ako sa byahe at humihilik pero andyan ka naman para gisingin ako, di ba? ilabas mo lang kasi lahat ng kwento mo, tatawanan kita promise. pero ‘wag kang magalit kung nakalimutan kong ipasyal ka kasi magkasama naman tayo at masama ‘yung panahon. saka alam mo naman na antukin ako, mas gusto ko matulog kaysa mamasyal. meron pa namang next time. babawi ako promise.

galit ka ba talaga? kasi alam ko kahit nakakunot ang noo mo at naninikip ang ‘yong dibdib, masaya ka pa rin deep inside. sori na at least ngayon alam ko na kung ano ‘yung babaguhin ko this year. sige na ‘wag ka na galit, antok na kasi ako.

Makisig raw ako sabi ni lola. Siguro dahil body fit na t-shirt at maong ‘yung suot ko kaya nagkaroon ng illusion na muscle man.  At syempre pumalakpak ng 100 times ang aking mga tenga sa kanyang mga papuri. Bigla kong nakalimutan na galing nga pala ako sa 10hours na byahe at halos wala pang tulog. Habang nasa byahe nai-set ko na matutulog agad pagkarating na pagkarating sa bahay, pero syempre bubusugin ko muna ang aking sarili sa mainit na sabaw ng sariwang isda na sobrang asim kahit hindi nilagyan ng Knorr Tamarind Mix. Nadiskaril lahat ng maganda kong plano dahil sa mga binitawan nyang salita. Patpatin kasi ako ng bata pa, kaya ng medyo makatikim ng SMB w/ eat all you can pulutan, sariwang gatas, at iba pang luto ng Diyos, nag-build up ‘yung mga taba sa aking katawan at ‘yun nga nagbago ang pananaw ni lola. Para akong uminom ng maraming Red Bull na siyang naging dahilan sa upang tumaas ang aking energy level. Sinapian ako ng kaluluwa ni Samson at nagawang kong tulungan si lola sa paggawa ng macaroni salad, suman, pag-igib ng tubig, at pagkuwento ng sari-sari. Nakaya ko ring uminom ng 5basong tuba at 3tasang bagoong.

Saka ko na-realize na hindi nya pala suot ung salamin nya.