Lost in Uncertainties

Limang taon ako ng aking ma-realize na hindi ako cute. Sa murang edad, naintindihan ko na kung bakit hindi ako puedeng maging ring bearer, anghel sa easter sunday, o maging konsorte sa anumang king & queen search. hindi na rin ako nagtaka kung bakit wala akong matandaan na pumisil sa pisngi ko o bumuhat sa akin upang isama sa kung saan man na pasyalan. wala kasi akong dimples, payat, maitim at masakit mang ulit-ulitin — hindi ako cute.

matindi ang inggit ko sa aking mga kapatid. sa murang edad alam ko na definition ng inggit. ito yung after-effect ng maitsapwera at hindi makasama sa anumang kasiyahan. sanay na rin ko sa feeling ng manikip ang dibdib sa atake ng sobrang inggit. ang lulusog kasi nila, magaganda at gwapo,sobrang bibo at super CUTE pa. sila ang kadalasang hari at reyna sa mga santacruzan o star sa anumang play, sila rin ang bida sa lakan ng barangay, mutya ng agham at amateur singing contest, at ang pinakamaraming kalaro at kaibigan. samantalang ako, nasa isang tabi lang kunwari tahimik na nagmamasid at nanonood sa kanila pero pinapatay ng matinding inggit.

paborito raw ako ni nanay. sa murang edad alam ko kung bakit. siyempre kasi lagi ako sa tabi n’ya. marahil kasi nanay ko lang nagtitiyaga makinig sa kwento ko, at samahan ako sa panahong hindi ako okay. hindi ko alam kung nauunawaan nya ‘yung sitwasyon basta masaya ako kapag napapasaya ko siya sa mga kwento na wala lang.  gusto ko lang naman palipasin ang pananalanta ng inggit, at kalimutan kahit sandali lang na hindi ako cute, hindi ako gwapo, hindi ako star material.

hindi talaga ako masaya. sa murang edad mulat na ako sa katotohanan na dapat tanggapin kung ano ang binigay sa ‘yo. kaya nga bihira kong gumamit ng eskinol o likas papaya soap o kahit simpleng jonhsons baby lotion kasi alam ko wa-epek rin naman, butas pa ang bulsa. masaya ako na magkaroon ng pimples kasi at least napapansin ng ibang tao. marami rin namang hindi cute na tao pero bakit masaya sila? siguro pakiramdam nila cute sila, o may pumisil sa kanilang pisngi nung bata pa sila, o naging lakan at mutya rin sila kahit money contest lang nga.

mababaw lang siguro akong tao at masyadong nilunod ng ala-tsunaming luha ng inggit. madalas naisip ko na ang sarap siguro ng pakiramdam ng panggigilan, pisil-pisilin at himas-himasin. siguro sikat na ako ngaun or dami kong naging syota kung minsan may nagkainteres na kunin akong konsorte sa santacruzan. pero hindi nga ako cute. saka bawal daw ang pangit sa wedding entourage.

Bummed? ever been in situations where the world negates your immaculate plans? people were as bad as they wanna be? and you intend to save humanity by slouching in your divine couch.

welcome aboard. i have your stories & i suggest you read until the very last word (Translation: do i sound desperate to gain global readership?)

as far as she could remember, donna believed that gay persons are the gayest of them all. they smiled a lot, cracked the best & spontaneuos jokes , and always knew to spot straight from bi. she spent her productive days memorizing gay jargons and was fond of telling stories full of alien words undecipherable to common ears. she enjoyed being gay and totally embraced her new personality. unfortunately she fell for one.  they’re both gay, and in this society nobody loves them except themselves. that’s the ultimate sign. her only hope to try straightening the supposedly curve line.

marco dreamed of intimate moments with her art teacher on top of the classroom desk. secretly, he wished he had big muscles, larger groin, and voice as manly and tough as warriors in medieval movies.  she is the ultimate hot MILF and if he was just peter north, he would ask her for a hot encouter. his notebooks were full of sexy sketches and he’s certain they’ll end up together since they always ended "sweetheart" in his FLAMES attempt, and it was never wrong. but lady luck does not favor horny kindergarten students. marco got busted when her mom checked on his notes and discover his "hot" secrets. as always, mom ruined kids dreams for goodness sake.

kiko eats a lot. name any food & chances are his tounge devoured on them already. he’s not particular to everything he puts on his mouth as he believed they’re all the same. spicy increases his sensation, sweets make him smile, exotic makes him think, and salty is bad for the liver. nonetheless all contributed to the fats in his body. yes, our man here has an oversized boxer but he didn’t care. who does when the aroma of "inihaw na kamote" is enough to unleash his inner energy. he can’t resist foods & so far tried anything edible except for one. at 40 he hadn’t shagged anyone.

donna, marco, and kiko are problems of the world as the world has lot of problems. population increases almost every second, and every second a boy bangs a girl and/or vice versa, and some boy/girl wishes they’ll be banged anytime. as problem is a constant companion of banging-by-products, there’s a unique conformalities arises at the blink of an eye.

mother earth has the toughest job, she got lot of housecleaning and needs a helping hand. who cares? in my ideal world, i’m having a deep sleep on my couch.