Lost in Uncertainties

simula ng magkahilig ang bagets kong pinsan sa gitara, napadalas ang jamming namin. doon ko na-realize na sa kanyang paningin eh sobrang tanda ko na pala, ‘yung tipong lahat ng sasabihin ko eh facts, bahagi ng buhay, at kapupulutan ng aral. akala n’ya sobrang talino ko na ultimo ‘yung subject n’yang seamanship eh alam ko. kaya minsan, habang full spirit kami sa pagkanta ng ‘crazy for you’, naisipan kong tugtugin sa kanya ‘yung ‘huling el bimbo’ ng eheads. medyo senti ako that time kaya kunting kwento at naibida ko sa kanila ‘yung panahon ko,a decade ago.

usong uso noon ang banda. halos lahat ng songhits may poster ni ely, at halos lahat memoryado ung magasin. tapos nagkapelikula pa si claudine at mark, pare ko, UP ang setting. natandaan ko na pinanood ko ‘yun kasama si ate. wow, sabi ko ganon pala sa UP, dapat don ako pumasok ng college. den naging isyu yung backmasking, pag binaligtad mo raw ung tape ng eheads eh maririnig mo ‘yung "hail satan,etc" na lines. halos dumikit na ang mga tenga namin at ng pinsan ko sa speaker ng radyo marinig lang ‘yung mga demonic chants pero wala lang. resulta, nasira ‘yung ultraelectromagneticpop at circus na tape. Uso rin noon ung "tangina". Galit na galit si lola kasi kahit ‘yung five years old kong pinsan memorized ang pare ko, kaya bago dumating ang chorus nakahanda na ang bakya nya upang paluin kami. nang dumating ang oras na kwestyunin ng senate ang lyrics ng alapaap, parang national issue naming pinag-usapan kung tama ba naman ‘yun. kahit na may tama ‘yung kanta, sumama pa rin kami kay ely sa pag "paparapapapapapaprapaparapa" nya. ng-field trip kami sa tagaytay, batangas, etc kasama pamilya ko at halos 100++ times naming kinanta ‘yung overdrive, bagay naman di ba? xmas time, nilabas ng eheads ‘yung fruitcake, freshman ako non at bagong salta sa manila. natapos kong basahin ‘yung 250 pesos nilang libro sa national bookstore habanag nakikipagpatintero ako sa saleslady na ayaw akong tigilan kasi bawal daw basahin ‘yung book na limited edition.

sikat na si ely, at mayabang na rin. kahit nagmamakaawa na sa pagrequest ung audience sa UP fair, hindi pinagbigyan. at bihirang ngumiti, basta kanta lang ng kanta. pero swerte talaga ang grupo, nanalo pa for the first time in philippine music industry ng best music video sa MTV. el bimbo ‘yung entry nila, at nakakapangilabot raw ‘yung video sabi ng klasmeyt ko na die-hard  eheads fan rin. biglang nag-increase ‘yung sales ng chippy, coke, atbpa. may jingle kasi ni ely. lalong silang yumabang, at habang unti-unting sumisikat ang mga solo artist, nalunod sa kayabangan ang eheads. last album nila, halos hindi nagmarka sa record charts. ako naman, naging busy sa pagsuyo sa GF ko. at habang pabagsak ang heads, tumataas naman ang pogo points ko.

ten years after, hindi na ako bagets. at hindi na rin uso ung cassette at discman. almost 60 seconds lang pwede nang i-download sa limewire ung MP3 ng magasin. name the song & pwede na kitang gawan ng CD compilation ng eheads. grabe na rin piracy, pero unti-unti umuuso ulit ang banda.

Ang bulak ba ay kamag-anak ng bulaklak? Hindi mabango ang bulak, hindi rin ito makulay maliban na lang kung papatakan ng cologne o lulunurin sa pintura. May bulaklak na malambot, meron ring matigas, ngunit walang bulaklak na nabubuhay mag-isa. Marahil nagkataon lang na may rhyme ang dalawa kaya marami ang nagkakamali na sila ay isa.

Katulad natin. Ayaw kong ipaliwanag ang ano, bakit at paano kasi manganganak na naman ‘yun ng maraming ano, bakit at paano. Basta naramdaman ko na kelangang maging  isa ang bulaklak at bulak kahit magkaiba sila. May mabangong bulak dahil itinabi ng matagal sa bulaklak, may puting bulaklak ang ina ng bulak. Isa na nga sila sa pandinig at artipisyal na anyo, isa na rin tayo kahit maraming pagkakaiba. Sabi sa alamat, kasing-tigas raw dati ng bato ang bulak, lumambot lang ito dahil sa isang buklaklak. Masaya ka ba na malambot ako, at kapiling kita?

A piece of wet cotton can wipe the dirt in my face but only you can clean my soul. Initial rub seems to be the toughest and dirtiest, and I wonder if the "poor soft thing" can still handle succeeding rubs. You seem to handle me very well despite of my muddy past and oily status. I am so tough and dirty. I need more cotton, I need a push. Actually, I need someone to rub me forever. I seem to confuse you because I am a confused person. I am glad you’re there not to confuse me more. Nobody can serve both masters at once. Am I really a master of my own emotion or a slave of my own soul? I finished cleaning my face. Pass me more cotton, I need to wipe another dirt in my mind.

[Day 1] Let me be strong. I know everyone faces rejections once in their life, mine is just a minute of what they experienced. I have to fight rejections with happiness, self-contentment, and faith in YOU. Let me pass this test with a clean and brave heart, without any sense of hatred, guilt and regrets. I believe in your power to touch everyone’s soul, you are always welcome to touch mine. All the glories are yours. Good day.

[Day 2] I am happy because you made me strong. I know you touch my life yesterday the way you touch others almost everyday. I became strong to settle things, I realized I’m anew again. In times of self-discrimination and frustration, you made me discover of my potential. I am fortunate you used other’s soul to remind me to “control the situation and not the situation controls me.” I ask you this favor again, let me realize my worth, my goals, my innermost desire – YOUR Plans. All the glories are yours. Good day.

[Day 3] How fortunate am I? I am broke and helpless and all of a sudden you lifted me. You made me realized that faith is more than anything else. Many times in my life where I intend to give up, but in all those times you were there to relive me. At least you showed signs of your glory, grace, and utmost love. I know you also touched the lives of my loved ones today, and I am very thankful for that. Indeed, I am very fortunate to have a friend in you. All the glories are yours. Good day.

[ROUNDS 1&2] Celery ang nagpapasarap sa sopas. pero syempre mas masarap kung kumpleto ang sangkap, may langhap-sarap ng sariwang manok hindi ‘yung galing sa knorr cubes. ‘wag ring kalimutan ang gatas, kung may access ka sa gatas ng kalabaw mas mabuti.

[ROUNDS 3&4] iwasang manood ng tv kung nagpapalambot ng macaroni shell. malamang mag-enjoy ka at makalimutan mo ‘yung niluluto. hindi kasi masarap kung overcooked, masyadong malambot, nawawala ‘yung tamang hagod sa ngipin. ang dapat gawin ay magmasid, bantayang mabuti, at tikman kada minuto. kaya kung 30 minutes na palalambutin ‘yung shell, asahang 30 shells rin ang mababawas bago makuha ang tamang luto.

[ROUNDS 5&6] dapat attentive ka sa pagluluto, aware ka sa timpla ng apoy, handa na lahat ng rekado. huwag ring magmamadali, cool lang. kalimutan na 2p.m. na at hindi pa kayo kumakain ng lunch. eh ano kung nakasimangot na sila. huwag mag-aalala kasi walang pangit na pagkain sa gutom na sikmura.

[ROUNDS 7&8] kakambal ng sopas ang malambot na tinapay. walang problema kung walang palaman dahil kulang ang budget. ang mahalaga bawat subo ng sopas ay may katumbas na kagat sa isang piraso ng tinapay. tandaan na mahalaga ang koordinasyon ng dalawang kamay at sampung mga daliri upang ma-achieve ang full satisfaction ng sopas. focus lang at masasanay ka na sa subo, nguya, higop, nguya na routine. ganon lang kasimple, pero masarap. at certified na sobrang sarap kung magsusubuan kayo, ganon pa rin ang routine (subo, nguya,higop, nguya). binudburan lang ng konting secret "lambing" ingredient.

[ROUNDS 9&10] kung mainit ang sopas, ihanda ang malamig na tubig. ‘di na uso ngayon ang juice kasi kulang nga ang budget. at kung minamalas ka at mapaso, eh ano naman. may parusa daw ang sobrang matakaw pero at least busog naman ang tiyan.

[TKO] alam naman natin na higit sa lahat, mahalaga ang tiyan. ‘di ba "the shortest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach’? at sabi nga ng mga boxing analyst, na-TKO raw si morales kasi ‘yung bodega at tiyan ang inatake ni pacquaio.

I was born to wander.

I am that kid in the Jollibee ad who got lost in Divisoria and brought too much worries to his parents. I was not that smart (and considerate) to think of staying in a recognizable place until they found me. I went on my own instead. After four hours, I saw my parents talking to many people, with my mom in deep tears. I was clueless when my parents hugged me that hard like I’ve  been lost for million years.

In our neighborhood, I became instant member of every household. I ate in other’s plate during dinner, took a bath with other’s soap, and sometimes wore my friend’s undies.  I lead a team in conquering the nearest bayabasan to our school, in finding the secret hideout of upperclassmen, and in building our own camp where nobody can possibly find us. My sandals then can only reach the nearest river and mountains, yet my heart wandered as far as the farthest desert, valleys, and oceans.

I gained bruises, insects’ bite, and my mom’s punishment along the way but I’m unstoppable. I opt to roam more.

In high school, I learned the art of writing a slum book. I  knew very well that “love is like a rosary” and “crush is paghanga”, but I felt uneasy to my best friend’s entry: “home is where the heart is.”  We often times argued, she being a homebody.  I often insisted my urge to go for places, to reach the unreachable (stars), and to make lakwatsa after our classes.

Perhaps  intrigued by my unusual spirit,  she once asked me: “Do you have a happy family?” I got used to this so like a question in job interviews, I have a ready-made answer. “Yes, I did. They are my life, but I need to wander to fulfill my spirit, my innermost desire.”

Imagine my excitement when my parents decided to enroll me in one of Manila-based university to pursue college. Three hundred kilometers away from home is just a nine-hour trip via passenger bus yet I felt complete isolation. I sensed freedom.

College days were my training ground. Manila in itself is the desert and oceans I dreamed to wander: the setting is vulgar yet mysterious, clear yet dangerous. I lived my day spiced with bright lights, high-rise buildings, heavy traffic, street beggars, kotong cops, pick up girls, underemployed yuppies, public smoking, and rallies everywhere. My  senses were filled with real stories and experiences of people. I gained more than bruises and insect’s bites, enemies and friends, punishments and rewards.

I learned life from different perspectives and felt the urgency to offer a helping hand. Ironically, modern-day solutions involve money or anything with value. I surrendered to connect with people, I being broke and helpless.

I then remembered a story my mom told about my first steps. I was very eager then to reach chairs after chairs, that I could already walk when I turned eight-month old. My favorite place was the stairs and the exit door, the reason why my dad hired a yaya. I cried when yaya hold and tried to carry me.  I was in full energy when left on my own. At that age, I already felt the urgency to roam and reach for people only my weak legs disallowed.

I realized that in one’s life countless steps would be taken. One of these steps may lead to a pit of failure, but it will also require few more steps to move on and reach what the heart desires.

In the meantime, I am still living my life, ready to roam and wander. My empty pocket can only reach as far as the minimum jeepney fare allowed yet my heart feels the romantic ambience of Paris, the busy breeze of New York, and the eerie silence of the desert.

I am unstoppable still.  I begin to enjoy my journey.

[One of my attempts to fictionalize my fictitious self.]

one year passed and i felt i am fortunate we’re still together. ours is a secret indecipherable from the government and top BI companies. they said that first year is the test tube for a successful bond. we’ve survived and we’re still the same. distance is always our companion yet we seldom failed to talk under the sun.

the years to come seem promising. you have your way to the corporate ladder; i have filled-up activities for the rest of the year. plus i’m on my way to a new baby, to our future which i predict will give legazpi a waterworld craze. we have all our time devoted to our plans, we have all our time to realize we’re one NOW.

one year is enough to keep us going. but it is not enough to show our intimate and real feelings. i am always here.

galit ka na naman. sabi ko kasi sa ‘yo wag mo kong problemahin. enjoy mo lang na magkasama tayo. ‘wag mo pansinin na nakalimutan ko ‘yung anniversary natin. ang dami kasi nating kelangang i-celebrate. iba pa yung araw na naging tau sa araw na pormal mo akong sinagot; den iba rin ‘yung date ng naging tayo na talaga. tapos may monthsary pa, birthday, araw na lumipat ng bahay, etc. hindi pa kasama roon ‘yung new year, xmas, valentines, edsa day, rizal day, tandang sora day, etc. ‘di ko naman talaga nakakalimutan. nagkataon lang na mas nauna mong naalala kaysa sa akin. bakit kasi kelangan mo akong tanungin eh 6months in advance pa ‘yun.

wag ka kasing magalit. ‘di ba usapan natin mag-eenjoy lang tayo sa mahaba nating bakasyon. alam mo naman na marami talaga pasahero ngayon dahil xmas. sabi ko nga sa ‘yo punuan lahat ng bus at barko at makikipagsiksikan tayo. sabi mo nga dapat habang bata pa tayo, i-enjoy naman natin ‘yung magkasama tayo. kaya sige travel lang tayo. tapos hindi lang tayo nakakuha ng magandang seat, nakakunot na agad ‘yung noo mo at ang sama ng tingin mo sa akin. paano na ‘yung plans natin na mag-hongkong, singapore, us, etc. balita ko malalayo raw ang distansya ng bus stations doon. baka mainis ka na naman ‘pag naglakad tayo ng mahaba.

relax ka lang. hirap kasi makasakay pauwi, masyadong madalang ‘yung dumaraang sasakyan. dapat kasi kahapon pa ako bumyahe. hindi ko kasi alam na pati pala driver nagpapaputok rin ‘pag new year at kaya nilang isakripisyo ang pera kapalit ng maginhawang tulog. nagyaya kasi ‘yung mga pinsan ko na mag-inuman at kantahan, hindi ko rin naman ini-expect na aabutin kami ng hanggang alas-4 ng madaling araw. na-miss kasi namin ‘yung mga music ng eheads, rivermaya at nakipag-showdown kami sa mga bata naming pinsan. doon ko na-realize na masarap palang sabayan ‘yung PBB theme. kaya tinanghali ako ng gising at na-late ako sa usapan natin. simple lang naman ‘di ba? pero ‘wag mong isipin na wala akong ginawa, alam mo ba na halos pagalitan ko na ‘yung driver kasi ang bagal magpatakbo. at halos lumipad na ‘yung isip ko sa kaiisip kung paano lumipad para lang makarating agad sa inyo on time.

sige ka tatanda ka nyan. ‘di ba usapan natin ‘wag tayong magpapaapekto. masaya naman tayo pag magkasama ‘di ba? tawa ka nga ng tawa lagi sa jokes ko, at ‘di rin naman ko nauubusan ng kwento. madalas ka nga nakayakap sa akin ‘pag nasa byahe tayo. kahit hindi aircon basta magkasama tayo at busog ka sa kwento ko, okay lang sa akin. okay rin ba ‘yun sau?inaamin ko minsan nakakatulog ako sa byahe at humihilik pero andyan ka naman para gisingin ako, di ba? ilabas mo lang kasi lahat ng kwento mo, tatawanan kita promise. pero ‘wag kang magalit kung nakalimutan kong ipasyal ka kasi magkasama naman tayo at masama ‘yung panahon. saka alam mo naman na antukin ako, mas gusto ko matulog kaysa mamasyal. meron pa namang next time. babawi ako promise.

galit ka ba talaga? kasi alam ko kahit nakakunot ang noo mo at naninikip ang ‘yong dibdib, masaya ka pa rin deep inside. sori na at least ngayon alam ko na kung ano ‘yung babaguhin ko this year. sige na ‘wag ka na galit, antok na kasi ako.

Makisig raw ako sabi ni lola. Siguro dahil body fit na t-shirt at maong ‘yung suot ko kaya nagkaroon ng illusion na muscle man.  At syempre pumalakpak ng 100 times ang aking mga tenga sa kanyang mga papuri. Bigla kong nakalimutan na galing nga pala ako sa 10hours na byahe at halos wala pang tulog. Habang nasa byahe nai-set ko na matutulog agad pagkarating na pagkarating sa bahay, pero syempre bubusugin ko muna ang aking sarili sa mainit na sabaw ng sariwang isda na sobrang asim kahit hindi nilagyan ng Knorr Tamarind Mix. Nadiskaril lahat ng maganda kong plano dahil sa mga binitawan nyang salita. Patpatin kasi ako ng bata pa, kaya ng medyo makatikim ng SMB w/ eat all you can pulutan, sariwang gatas, at iba pang luto ng Diyos, nag-build up ‘yung mga taba sa aking katawan at ‘yun nga nagbago ang pananaw ni lola. Para akong uminom ng maraming Red Bull na siyang naging dahilan sa upang tumaas ang aking energy level. Sinapian ako ng kaluluwa ni Samson at nagawang kong tulungan si lola sa paggawa ng macaroni salad, suman, pag-igib ng tubig, at pagkuwento ng sari-sari. Nakaya ko ring uminom ng 5basong tuba at 3tasang bagoong.

Saka ko na-realize na hindi nya pala suot ung salamin nya.

i look outside the window. Heavy rain wets my back. I extend my arms to reach for her hand. it was cold like mine. Previously money were made from gold and later on evryone realized not all that glitters are gold. I submit her soul to the man in power. He has her gold but he isn’t happy. Nobody wonders why. He keeps on moving, keen of the past and the future. Surprisingly he returns to her what she deserves. I am still the sole bridge of his and her soul. She then reaches for me. Still our eyes never met. I look outside the window and feel the wetness of my back.